Last night I was terrified.
I cried twice, first because a young married couple that went viral few months ago, her wife was finally passed away due to cancer and that and most of the time due to news like this, I can't contain my feeling. I hope all is well, for the husband in this world, and for the wife in the next world.
Second time I cried, was due to this couple as well, because I stumbled upon the late wife's post dedicated to the husband on her self-claimed selfish request for the husband to marry her, despite she was battling stage 4 cancer at that time. That many people don’t know marrying a cancer patient is not about love and roses every time, mostly puke, medication, emotional support, reflection, blood and tears and all that I am not aware of, just what I quote from her post.
I think the wife was about my age, or slightly younger. And
that was terrifying. As most of my lingering thought at night is ‘What if
I do not wake up tomorrow?’
I know in Islam, it is Sunnah to think of death but I don’t think
I am terrified of my tomorrow-what-if due to Sunnah. It was merely because I am
not ready, scared of being alone, judged and punished, and I pray hard every
night for the process or time to be delayed. And last night, a thought I don’t favor
came across, which this process or time will someday happen, I can’t skip the
process, I have to face death and the worst part of all, I am not ready. My
father often said that we shouldn’t be afraid of death as it is inevitable, just
have ourselves equipped.
And I wonder, what stopping me from getting prepared? Is it
something to do with my ego, or assurance that I am still young (despite a few
of my schoolmates were already died at our age) or it can happen to anyone but
me?
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