I Hope for Future to Come Fast but...

Salam.

Last night I was terrified.

I cried twice, first because a young married couple that went viral few months ago, her wife was finally passed away due to cancer and that and most of the time due to news like this, I can't contain my feeling. I hope all is well, for the husband in this world, and for the wife in the next world.

Second time I cried, was due to this couple as well, because I stumbled upon the late wife's post dedicated to the husband on her self-claimed selfish request  for the husband to marry her, despite she was battling stage 4 cancer at that time. That many people don’t know marrying a cancer patient is not about love and roses every time, mostly puke, medication, emotional support, reflection, blood and tears and all that I am not aware of, just what I quote from her post.

I think the wife was about my age, or slightly younger. And that was terrifying. As most of my lingering thought at night is ‘What if I do not wake up tomorrow?’

I know in Islam, it is Sunnah to think of death but I don’t think I am terrified of my tomorrow-what-if due to Sunnah. It was merely because I am not ready, scared of being alone, judged and punished, and I pray hard every night for the process or time to be delayed. And last night, a thought I don’t favor came across, which this process or time will someday happen, I can’t skip the process, I have to face death and the worst part of all, I am not ready. My father often said that we shouldn’t be afraid of death as it is inevitable, just have ourselves equipped.

And I wonder, what stopping me from getting prepared? Is it something to do with my ego, or assurance that I am still young (despite a few of my schoolmates were already died at our age) or it can happen to anyone but me? 

Made It

Salam.

Should I blog about how busy am I now? That I am nervous I can't keep up? But I can't complain because I did ask for this? As I felt I have been slacking for some time, I need to catch up with busy-ness so that I will not feel bad for the money I earned.

 Hashtag begratefulforwhatevercoming Hashtag doyourbest Hashtag drama

Bye.

Platitude

Salam.

Have you ever realized that as we grow older, the trial period is getting shorter?
During college time, we have next term to fix our shortcoming or whatever lacking  or in total of 4 years we can decide when is the turning point, and yes there will always grace period back then (repeat paper).

But now, today's result lead to tomorrow's disaster, or glory if lucky strike.

Yes I am at that or this phase. I somehow think that I am still not used to this  shorter trial and deliberating period. I was just too comfortable with luxury of longer deliberation period and more importantly, less severe aftermath.

Bye.

Suri Hati

Salam. 

Hello. So it is official now that on most Monday I will update here, since I cannot sleep (again, I know). 

I've experimented something to myself such as how my day would go if I pray on time, if I did read al-Quran night before or in the morning, or how when I restrained myself from talking ill about others (this one is the toughest part), how my reaction would be if I straight away say zikir (Astaghfirullahalazim) when something I don't favor happen - it was all make me feel a lot calmer. But the most tricky part is being consistent. Little good deeds but in consistent manner is better as we all know and well aware of. Hopefully in some way we would be consistent and manage to be better day by day since we are not getting any younger. 

I don't want to live wasted life. Death is sure the best motivation to live. Please forgive me for everything my family, friends and I did wrong. 

Hopefully I will have a cheerful Monday tomorrow considering I am still wide awake at this hour. Hahaha. 

Dyslexia?

I have been meaning to update here since past few Sundays, but I got lazy, forgot or too late, just like now. 

I had Pepsi just now and I think caffeine from there keep me awake.

I hate that I want to write long, but I don't know spelling of too many words and it is annoying to check everytime. As of now, I am too lazy to check the spelling of caffeine, with or without e at the end. Yes, that common caffeine. 😑

I think I have serious problem with spelling mostly confusion i.e professional/proffessional/proffesional. Though my gut feeling saying that first option is the correct one but I always need assurance for that. For tonight, cut me some slack, I am just an honest soul want to rant but don't really want to do the checking as I need to sleep to brave Monday in a bit. Bye. 

Ice Cream

Salam. 

The best time to rant is always at the airport, McDonalds to be exact in my case. 

I am amazed on how fast-paced life is, how I thought I have not changed a tiny bit but no, how different I am now and then, I hope all in the good ways. 

I am far less optimistic now. A bit of realism came into me and I realize many things are beyond control and being happy and hopeful about it is the best way but of course, guarded with experience and maturity. 

Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah

Salam. 

I am quite sleepy now but I thought I want to pen some admiration on Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah tonight. 

I just finished read her book and I can feel that she has teenage, young girl spirit beneath, which reflected to the way she potrayed her life in the book as though she had live her life like a commoner, which of course is not. She is fun.

She is stern too but her stance on something is rigid but not intimidating or condescending. So people can weigh her advice without being defensive or blinded by ego. 

So much respect for her and her husband. Hats off and thank you for everything Tuns!

Favourite Time

I don't know about others, but I am not persuaded by advice that makes me feel bad and  even worse than what I already am, example 'You are so bad, I have no idea you could do such thing. You know there is no room in heaven for people like you'. 

 I like the advice to be soothing, uplifting like,  'Okay maybe you have done bad thing now, but you know you are still breathing and there is always room for improvement, so waste no time and change for better now, don't wallow in self-pity and gain nothing. You can do it, :)'

Trapped Soul

Salam.

This ideology was not original. It was derived from a friend's friend and we talked about this.

The way we react to some circumstances influenced by what beneath. Beneath ourselves is mould by beliefs we choose to hold on, the strongest force.

As example, how do you usually answer this question, on a busy day that you haven't had time for lunch, 'Hi, have you had your lunch?'

- No, not yet.

- No, later I will.Thank you for asking.

- No, I have this whole load of mess to be taken care of. Everyone expect me to deliver this, they did think I am a robot to handle this alone.*rolls eyes*

Whatever inside us influence the answer to that simple question.

Shining Armor

*This was in 2013 maybe* 

Salam.

I agree on we should expand and invest more on the existing public transportation.

Of late, there were too many things in my mind. Prior to watch Iron Man last weekend, I had a minor accident. Syazana and I were in my car and Nita was in the car behind. En route to Ampang, a motorcycle hit my car causing some scratch and damage.

Alhamdulillah nobody was injured. Except me, mentally. I felt wronged. I felt injustice. I blame my God my car was hit like that. Something has happened to me in 2008 and since that, I never ever dare to have a day start or end without ayat Kursi. I believe I am fully protected with this sentence. This is my invisible armor.

So when my car was hit like that, I felt wronged. Was I believing in some big lie? Omg, I was tensed inside, questioning my beliefs. Shouldn't me guaranteed safe with this armor?

I was speechless, blaming every other things.

Fortunately really, Syazana's words made me realize. 'Alhamdulillah Anis, Tuhan betul-betul protect kita. Cuba imagine kalau kereta kita tak sempat brake tadi and kita langgar motorcyclist yang terbaring dekat depan kereta kita tadi? Kalau motor tu terbalik kat seat kita and kita injured?'

Pang of realization hits me hard. Was I dare to question His promise again? Never.

His reminder, and instead of felt wronged, I am grateful being tested like this.

God, protect us always please.

Salam. 

I don't know whether what I am currently at is right. I am so confused, but I kind of enjoy this as this is new and fascinating. I hope seeing things in this prim and proper way would be able to teach me something. 

Salam.

Tonight is the night when I listen to Coldplay and being absorbed in my own thought. I haven't came here for quite some times and now, the feeling to write here need complete process of acclimatization.

So this is my blog, and I need not to be shy here. Just be me that is a bit excited for tomorrow's Friday.

I have one small principle, of course small and irrelevant to many, but still I hope to have this shared. I judge people and selective when it comes to the secret keeper. I can't stand people talking bad about their best friends. Come on it is best friend, yet..still..

This makes me sad.
But it is okay, there is always room for improvement.

Rigor Mortis

Salam.

It is tough to be funny now. Everyone is worried and I am no exception. This business is having major downfall and many people are affected. I hope for the best to all.

I guess I would be talking a lot in my sleeps nowadays. Sleep talking is not foreign to me as those who shared the bed with me will usually summarize my babbling the next morning, and it is usually getting 'better' when I am overthinking or stress.

Seriously, I hope everyone will be okay facing this. I can't be insensitive and ignore the feelings of those losing their job involuntarily. It was easier to say anything if we are not in their shoes.
Sigh. I hope everyone will be okay and bounce back, later and much better.

Decision Tree

Salam.

It was funny at first but maybe one minute later after I manage to think about the odds, it was a huge relief. 

So it is no secret that I was born exactly 12 months apart from my elder brother, which means that my brother was only 3 months old when mother discovered that she was pregnant again. His birthday is on Feb 11 while mine is on 19. My mother, newly mother by then was at sixes and sevens of having me. She met doctor and they suggested to D&C if she was serious about not having me which obviously my mother didn't and here I am. Phewww. 

However, the dilemma did not stop there.My father told me they even had considered giving me to other parent  so they can focus on taking care of my elder brother since he was always sick during his babyhood. Omigod.

Thankgod. I cannot imagine having someone else as my parent and I guess my parent would be so guilty if they had proceed with abortion of me twenty seven years ago, I mean fetus-state me. 

Thank you Ma and Abah for having me! 

A Different Kettle of Fish

Salam, 

I know some feel funny or weird that I started my entry with Salam because in the past one of my friend was so nervous that I started my Whatsapp with 'Salam J...' She thought she did something wrong that that 'Salam' is the starter of all anger I am about to pour to her. Thanks to her I was having good laugh that day.

On another occasion, I started Lync my colleagues that sit in front of me with 'Salam S, bla bla bla?' He was having good laugh too, at me and said, 'Hey, I am just in front of you, no need to say Salam kot.' And I said while laughing, 'Sorry, I am very used to that. Is it too weird, by the way, to start a conversation with Salam?'

S explained that it was not that weird, but since there were not many that say that to him, he found that quite unusual. I found this fascinating.

Something accustomed to others may turn out weird, or even funny to some. But, for me this is interesting parts of getting to know others because maybe sometimes we are a tad bit confident that we know things too well, or we don't know what we don't know because we've been hanging out from same group of people, too comfortable as it is. Just like KFC, some people think it is normal affordable food, or luxury and special occasion food, or never had and heard of it.As for me, KFC is my happy food.