Morbid

 Salam. 

These past few days, I don’t know what has gotten into me that I felt like I need to change. I am, erm okay this is a bit funny, but at my tender age of 31, now only I have that realization to not be one of those people at losing side. I was quite adamant this time, that there is something in my life that need major overhaul (obviously there were previous failed attempts, but let’s move on shall we haha). 

I read somewhere, our body is designed to move and so is our mind is designed to think. Couch potato is best defined me when I am not working. Work is extra busy during this work-from-home period, so when I am done with my office work, I was too drained to do other thing. This makes me somehow sad because I don’t have time to do things I fairly enjoy pre-COVID such as catching up with friends, hitting gym and watching movie at cinema after work. I also realized now that being busy is not entirely good. I learned to be productive and focus instead of being busy, because being busy to the extend there is no space for other elements in life is so overrated, glamourized and romanticized. My life is more than my office work and I don’t fancy my eulogy to only revolves around my work experiences. But being occupied, not over-occupied does help in distracting my mind from overthinking, not office work kind of busy but on other department especially in creative outlet i.e. writing, cooking, making things and doing something. 

As a Muslim, we are also taught to do our best in everything and our body has right over us. 

Okay, maybe not so that I don’t know what has gotten into me that I felt like I need to change, to be honest I finished read Secrets of Divine Love book and  there is a chapter about death in there. That chapter moved me so much that I felt like I am completely wasting my life following the flow, complacent with everything and I dare to think that I have all time in the world to attempt better habits later. Indeed, death is a great reminder for the living soul. 

Talking about death, I used to dread and terrified of death so much that I kept making prayer to God to delay my death everytime, obviously  because I am not ready. Most of night when I am getting prepared to sleep, the thought that I might not wake up tomorrow scared me so much that I pray, please not tomorrow, or tonight in my sleep, I have so much rectification and repentance works that need to be done and I am completely not ready to face death. I kept bargaining discount from God on the moment of my passing instead of attempting to be a better person, prepping myself for better future. 

Bye.