Wilted

 Salam. 

My grandmother passed away on 9 January 2022, 9.17pm. The final video call with her and everyone in our family group chat was of her last breath while sleeping because she was put to sleep a week before and the nurse on duty pronounced her death. The second last video call was an hour before when her heart was stop beating for the first time and doctor asked us to be prepared. My grandfather was in hospital too and he was unable to meet my grandmother for the last time since my grandfather was on oxygen support. Both of them had contracted COVID-19 about 2 weeks prior. 

Visit to my grandmother house felt different now without her warm presence. We were usually greeted with her smile and usual ‘Sampai bila (kampung’)?’, at her usual spot but I avoid to go and look at that spot on my last visit because I just can’t. I am quite confident I did nothing wrong to my grandmother but if only we had more time, I want to be a better grandchildren and talk more with my grandmother. In many ways, my mother are a lot like my grandmother that sometimes when I see my mother especially from the profile, I can see my grandmother.

With my grandmother passing, I come to see my mother as a daughter, how she grieved and wished she was a better daughter. Too used to see my mother as a mother figure, I totally forgot that my mother is a daughter too. She craved affection from her mother as much as I do. 

I sort of promise to myself that I want to spend more times with my parent and create good memories. With friends and people that I know, I want to be a better friend and enemy to none. It is either my grandmother’s death or my new age that motivated me to make peace with everyone, because in case of me died, I leave with no regrets, hopefully. 

Take care everyone. 

Al-Fatihah, Zaharah Ngah (4 April 1946 - 9 January 2022).